All or Nothing Read online

  All or Nothing

  by

  S Michaels

  Text copyright © 2014

  S Michaels

  All Rights Reserved

  Table of Contents

  All or Nothing

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter One

  ‘But I won’t know anyone’ I express.

  ‘Gosh Abi what are you 12!’ Scott scolds. I frown at him fury radiating through my insides, I take a deep breath and attempt to bite back the anger I experience. It just isn’t succeeding this relationship, I am flogging a dead horse!

  Scott and I have been dating for eighteen months, but at some point in the very near future I will have to face the reality of the fact that we have failed.

  ‘You go’ I soothe, ‘they are your friends Scott’

  ‘The invitation is for both of us Abi, Sarah-Jane is expecting you there too’ his impatience with me is worsening, all I seem to do is frustrate him. I feel emotional at the knowledge that I am going to have to end this, the fact that we rented a flat together just six months ago just adds to the mess. I cannot afford to pay the whole rent on the property alone and Bella has a full house now, my room being rented out immediately to one of her work colleagues.

  ‘Jesus Abi you would think I am requesting your attendance at a funeral the way you are carrying on, it is Vegas!’ he shrugs his suit jacket on and grabs his work bag moving to the door. He turns at the last moment and sighs, ‘I will inform Jamie and Sarah-Jane of our attendance yes?’ he raises an eyebrow his beautiful brown eyes that once moved over me like chocolate now penetrating mine with nothing more than cool tolerance.

  ‘Fine’ I murmur quietly as I feel tears burn behind my eyes, the door slams and I flop in the chair wiping a stray tear away.

  I glance around our tidy flat, we should have never moved in together things were beginning to crumble before we agreed to give things a real go. To be honest I think even back then I realized that the relationship was never going to be more than it already was, it was a last ditch attempt in recovering the relative happiness of our early days which is impossible, a relationship moves onto the next level or dies, we should have been brave enough to let it go.

  My mind returns to the day we met, Scott with his brown short hair and big puppy dog eyes gliding over me like silk as I stood waiting at the tube station at the Embankment. I flashed a small smile his way remembering how bound over I was by his huge cheesy grin, he had perfect even teeth his face transforming with the action. The tube arrived immediately after our interaction both of us then distracted by the whooshing of the train and the pushing and shoving as people endeavored to enter the carriage before people disembarked.

  A few days later I glance up from my kindle to find Scott’s cheesy grin once again directed my way. This time he saunters over to me and says, ‘hi’ I remember feeling shy but returning the greeting before the tube arrived. We entered together squashed up against one another for the three stops I travelled my eyes moving everywhere but towards Scott’s direction. As I exited the carriage I turned and smiled, ‘bye’ and he turned and jumped off calling me.

  ‘Hey, what’s your name?’

  ‘Abi’ I called.

  ‘Abi, can I take you for a drink?’ the doors beep signaling closure and he jumps back on board his face grinning out of the door at me. I nod before turning and grinning walking on air for the rest of the day.

  It is another week before Scott and my path crossed again by which time I was actively searching the platform every morning just in case.

  I am standing on the platform on the Thursday listening to my playlist when a tap on the shoulder startles me, I jump lightly before turning into the smiley face of Scott I pull my ear buds out and smile, ‘hi’

  ‘Hi yourself, so how about that drink?’ he murmurs gently his eyes moving over my face absorbing my features.

  ‘Sure, when?’ I smile.

  ‘Tonight?’ he tests.

  I had planned drinks with the girls tonight but it was very casual so I nod, ‘sounds good’

  ‘Meet me at six outside the tube station here?’ he offers.

  ‘Sure’ the tube rushes past us slowing to a halt with a screeching, the doors open and we squeeze ourselves onto the packed carriage once again. I feel Scott’s eyes on me for the entire journey my cheeks flushing slightly as I avoid eye contact. Just before I exit he moves his mouth to my ear, ‘I’m Scott by the way’

  ‘Nice to meet you Scott’ I reply quietly aware of a few people observing our interaction and I turn to step off of the carriage.

  That evening we sat in a bar in Covent Garden and chatted until late, Scott was a gentlemen and I relaxed in his company immediately. As a Financial Advisor he worked long hours which is why we saw each other mainly at weekends only catching maybe a drink once midweek where his appointments permitted. He travelled around with his employment which is why he appeared on the platform once, maybe twice a week but I looked forward to those days to view that cheesy grin.

  I worked as a PA to a Marketing Director in the West End so although I worked long days where required I was based in one place and very rarely got home after eight. The first few months of our relationship we were extremely happy and enjoyed each other’s company immensely. We lived in different areas of London, me in the South Scott in the North so generally we met in central London at weekends and spent the day sightseeing before Scott accompanied me back to the station.

  The one possible incompatibility that flashed through my mind in the early days was the sexual attraction. In the beginning Scott would stand in Charing Cross station and kiss me gently albeit pleasantly before I entered on the train. Although his kisses provided a warm sensation they never awoke the passion inside me and I never quite believed that he yearned for me. Our relationship however was wonderful in all other aspects Scott being a most attentive boyfriend, he would call me every evening from wherever he was to enquire on my day before telling me how beautiful I was and how he was the luckiest man alive.

  It was seven weeks before we had sex and I was pleasantly surprised, Scott was a skilled unselfish lover and things finally fell into place. We then spent most of the weekends entirely together either staying at mine or his on the Saturday evening.

  Bella and Scott however had a strained relationship, Bella was my best friend of ten years we met at college and remained firm friends thereafter. Although Scott was always polite and courteous to Bella she never warmed to him, to the outside world they appeared as though they were friends but having known both of them separately it was apparent there was an underlining problem. One night after a few Tequilas in the local cocktail bar during happy hour I questioned Bella why she acted the way she does towards Scott.

  ‘Abi, don’t go there he is your boyfriend and I will always be polite. I don’t have to like him you do’ she slurred.

  ‘But what is it he has done, you are normally such a friendly person’ I probe.

  ‘He hasn’t done anything, I just don’t think he is what he appears I am sorry but he looks down his nose at us mere mortals’ I was angry and confused but changed the subject refusing to be pulled into an argument between my best friend and my boyfriend.

  S
cott and I continued to see each other at weekends until ten months down the line when I felt as though the distance was creating a problem. I was fed up with just seeing him one night a week and I couldn’t see things improving especially with Scott’s work schedule. I began to detach my feelings from Scott, even though he had declared his love for me I felt as though I was a welcome distraction at the end of the week.

  One weekend I informed Scott I couldn’t see him as I was spending time with Bella and our mutual friends. I had a great time with the girls, we spent the evening partying and I finally began to relax and let my hair down. We rolled in from a club at four in the morning completely smashed and woke feeling awful, but alive.

  I began to feel as though Scott was suppressing my personality slightly, not purposefully but I became a different person when he was around. That Sunday afternoon Bella and I were lounging on the sofa in our onesies with no makeup on eating junk food reminiscing on our wild night out when the doorbell rang. After arguing about who should answer it Bella moved to open the door only to find Scott on the doorstep.

  ‘Hi Bella, is Abi in?’ Scott’s short voice enquired.

  ‘Sure, come in’ Bella moves to my view with her eyebrow raised. I glance behind her to notice Scott and jump up fixing my hair into a pony tail.

  ‘Hi’ I utter surprised.

  ‘Hi’ he glances at my attire and I feel as though I have been caught smoking behind the bike shed, ‘can we have a chat?’

  ‘Sure, here or would you rather go out?’ I enquire believing this is the big speech about it has been fun blah, blah.

  ‘Maybe out’ his eyes move to Bella who is busying herself tidying up the flat.

  ‘Ok, give me a moment’ I move to my bedroom ‘sit, please’ I insist. I have already showered so I dress in jeans and a jumper before applying some make up and pull my hair into a messy bun.

  We sit in the coffee shop and Scott observes me over the table, ‘did you have a good evening?’ he queries.

  ‘Yes thank you, look Scott I think I know why you are here things aren’t working out too well between us anymore I understand that. I think the distance is just too big a deal’ I reply smiling lightly at him.

  He looks shocked ‘I thought things were fine’ he mutters ‘why would you say that?’

  ‘I think that it has run its course Scott I have had a lot of fun and you are a wonderful boyfriend but I want more from a relationship than one night out a week. With our proximity and your work timetable it isn’t enough for me’ I gaze into his delicious brown eyes, do I even love him? I question.

  ‘Well I can comprehend where you are coming from but I disagree I feel we have something to work on’ he sips his tea regarding me cautiously ‘I want us to move in together’

  ‘What?’ I am stunned ‘that is a big step Scott, we hardly know each other’

  ‘But that is exactly the point Abi, the only way we will get to know each other is to spend more time together. The only way for us to manage that is to move in together, we will rent somewhere to test our relationship and all being well maybe later down the line we will buy somewhere’ he grasps my hand ‘give us a chance’ he whispers bringing my hand to his lips.

  We found a flat a month later in London, we agreed that being central we could both still visit our prospective families and friends. Bella was astounded but remained tight-lipped aware that I was perfectly clued up on her opinion and informed me I knew where she was if I needed her.

  The first few months of living with Scott was amazing, I had never lived with a man before and delighted in cooking us romantic dinners and decorating the flat to our taste. Scott was very tidy to the point of OCD but I guessed we were both in a transition period adapting to each other’s styles of living. More than once I found him picking up my belongings in the flat and tidying them away even before I had finished with them. At first I found it endearing that I had captured a man that doesn’t mind a bit of cooking and cleaning, after a while however I felt as though I was walking on eggshells. I missed Bella and our nightly chats, I was lonely in the flat alone on the several nights that Scott worked overtime a week.

  I was regretting my decision my parents loved Scott in their eyes he was perfect son-in-law material, very successful and a gentlemen. To me I felt trapped and suppressed I was miserable, Scott had become more and more critical over the past few months and our sex life had dwindled. I realized quite quickly that Scott wasn’t highly sexed, we had sex on a Saturday but the rest of the week he was too tired or too busy with paperwork. The crux of the matter was that he made me feel undesirable.

  I bring myself to the now, I walk into the bathroom to apply my make up for work. I gaze at my reflection, I have long chestnut brown hair, brown eyes and a curvy body why doesn’t he want me anymore? We haven’t had sex now for six weeks, I have tried but we are just not in that place. I wipe the tears away with a tissue and blow my nose, I will have to go back to my parent’s in Kent if I leave here. I sigh, I am too old to be sleeping in my old bedroom even if I would be welcome what should I do?

  I dress in a black pencil skirt, a red top and red heels I brush my hair loose and apply an extra amount of lipstick. I take a deep breath and grab my coat, I won’t make any rash decisions for now. I glance at the clock before rushing to the door, I cannot be late for work.

  Chapter Two

  I receive a text at midday from Scott,

  Hi, we are meeting Jamie and Sarah-Jane for drinks Portobello at seven meet you there? S

  Great! That’s all I need! I reply, Ok.

  Jamie is Scott’s partner who is getting married in Vegas, we were invited as Scott is Jamie’s best man. I have met them a couple of times but they are just not my type of people. They live their life within the lines and I find them extremely tedious, now I am no rule breaker but believe in living my life to its full potential. I have absolutely nothing in common with Sarah-Jane who holds a high position within the banking industry. I will know absolutely no one apart from the happy couple who observe me how Bella regards Scott.

  Bella insists I should go to experience Vegas, Scott is paying for the trip as I cannot afford it. We pay half each of every bill in the flat despite the fact that Scott earns five times more than me leaving me with very little money to play with. The flat is in Notting Hill and the rent is obscene, I love living so central with so many trendy bars available but what is the point in having those bar so accessible if you never visit them, Scott is always at work and my friends are in South London. Bella visits if Scott is away on business and stays over but refuses to call in when Scott is around she detest him now that it is apparent that she was indeed right in her first impressions, Scott is mean and moody.

  I walk into the bar and spot the group making my way towards them, Scott notices me and turns placing a kiss on my cheek. I realize this is for everyone else’s benefit and smile politely, ‘hi’ I greet.

  ‘Hi’ he turns to the group and introduces me to a handful of people that I have never seen before’ I shake hands and mentally attempt to remember the names as Scott informs me that they are all attending the wedding too.

  ‘Congratulations Sarah-Jane’ I kiss her cheek briefly ‘you must be looking forward to the big day now’ I smile ‘have you organized your dress yet?’

  ‘Yes, not a traditional wedding dress though’ she waves her hand as a gesture of unimportance.

  ‘Oh right’ she is a strange one, she is marrying the man she loves and is less than enthused regarding the whole occasion. I kiss Jamie’s cheek congratulating him too to only be informed that they are marrying now as SJ (yes that is the nickname of his wife to be!) insisted they marry or separate, wow what a proposal! These people are weird, they are the most cold, uninteresting bunch I have ever come across in my life. I smile and mingle attempting to find at least one person that I may possibly have a normal conversation with when we are away without any success whatsoever.

  We enter our flat and I place my bag on the floor sha
king my coat off hanging it on the hooks in the hall. Scott follows suit before lifting his briefcase and placing it in the small study that holds our PC and filing cabinet.

  ‘So, sounds like a good shin dig’ he replies referring to Vegas.

  ‘Hmmm, have you been before?’ I enquire standing in the doorway.

  ‘Yes, good fun’ he smiles. Wow, maybe he will relax and enjoy himself for a change.

  ‘I will have to buy a new dress for the wedding’ I murmur to myself more than him.

  He regards me ‘yes, lose the red lipstick though a bit tarty if you ask me’

  ‘Well I never asked you Scott’ I fume anger bubbling in my insides.

  He holds his hands up ‘whatever you say Abi’ he rolls his eyes ‘you are so argumentative’

  ‘And you are so judgmental’ I fume.

  ‘I am not’ he faces me ‘this is a classy wedding Abi not the local cocktail bar with Bella and her followers!’ he snorts.

  ‘Screw you and your pompous arse friends Scott. I would prefer Bella’s friends to yours any day’ I storm into the living room moving to the fridge to pour a glass of wine.

  ‘I hope you aren’t going to make a show of me Abi?’ he follows me and glares disapprovingly at my alcohol.

  ‘Really Scott, I have more class in my little finger than those bunch of freaks!’ I am mad as hell. He glares at me before returning to the study without another word.

  It is three weeks later we are boarding a plane to McCarran International Airport, Vegas. Scott and I have avoided each other since the night of drinks with Jamie and SJ preferring to say nothing rather than end up screaming obscenities. I have decided to move out when we return home of which I am sure Scott is aware, our relationship is zero. Bella declares I can sleep on her sofa bed for as long as I need which I may do for a few weeks until I can sort out more permanent living arrangements. I can rent a room somewhere, Bella is researching for me whilst I am away.

  We are sitting in business class with the whole gang, there are around twelve of us here with another twenty arriving over the next day or so. I have a plastic smile pasted on my face wishing the next five days away as rapidly as possible. I would have refused the trip but Scott informs me if I embarrass him by not turning up he will send me the bill, I have little money as it is I maxed out my credit card on purchases for this trip to prevent me appearing as the poor relation.